I just got back from my son’s eye exam with the ophthalmologist and the tests showed he has perfect eye sight.
Though my response to the doctor was, “how wonderful!”, it could not have been laced with more disappointment and sarcasm. My text to my best friend read, “He has perfect eye-sight d**n it!!!”
I just wanted to fix something.
I don’t make a habit of wishing bad eye sight on my loved ones (or anyone for that matter.) But the taste of something I could “fix” was exhilarating. I can’t fix his heart. I can’t fix his anxiety or PTSD. I can’t fix his tantrums. I can’t fix his digestive issues or picky eating. I definitely can’t make the boy poop in the potty! Only God knows how much I think about all the things I can’t fix.
It is human to want control and I got a double dose of that predisposition.
The mere possibility of poor eye sight (that could be fixed with glasses!) was the most exciting idea I had had in months. Maybe he didn’t actually need physical therapy for the stairs because he just couldn’t see them. Perhaps his tantrums were spurred on by frustrations with poor eye-sight. He was certainly holding his book oddly close to his eyes. I was convinced. Absolutely convinced.
And it felt So. Good.
Gold star for the mom who discovered at the early age of 3 that her son needed glasses!
Can’t just one thing be easy?
Except he doesn’t need glasses. His eyesight is great. Perfect in fact.
No gold star for me and for good measure we can throw on the guilt that I was WISHING my son was practically blind. What kind of monster am I? I wanted him to need glasses for MY comfort.
My life coach keeps saying, “What if it gets to be easy?” Jesus even says, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Mat. 11:28-30) This concept makes sense to me when we’re talking about what to make for dinner or whether or not I should let my kids watch tv for the 4th hour that day. But my son’s health?
Y’all, my son is HEAVY! Actually, his lack of weight is one of the heaviest burdens I carry. And now I’m supposed to believe that it is easy?! Are you kidding me?!
And suddenly I’m right back where I started. A pile of medical and emotional drama to sort through.
Honestly, I’m getting really tired of the “trust God” lesson. We just keep doing it over and over and over. It’s like the math lesson review that never ends.
Thankfully, God doesn’t assign busy work so clearly I need more practice.
1. Let Go of Guilt
It is not my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong here. None of this is my fault.
Nor is it wrong to yearn for a solution. And it certainly wasn’t wrong to have his eyes checked.
Did I actually wish my son had poor eyesight? Not really. He has enough ailments and getting him to wear glasses would have been a pain in the butt. What I truly longed for was a simple cure for something. But there’s not a simple easy fix, so not finding one doesn’t make me the bad guy.
2. Let Go of Control
I think my son is my lifelong lesson in control. I’m what my husband would call a “control-freak”. It’s my defense mechanism. If I put things into neatly divided piles, schedules, and categories then everything will be fine.
That is absolutely not the case with my son. Did I mention he broke his arm this month? Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up! The same week we potty train is the week he falls off a recliner and rebreaks his wrist. (It’s not even the first time!) So I’ll be lifting him to the toilet for the foreseeable future.
God needs to chip away at my control little by little and He uses my son’s medical and emotional conditions to do it. My son has taught me more about letting go of control than my marriage, my daughters, or anything else in my life. It drives me to constant dependence on the One who loves my son more than me.
3. Embrace Freedom
I’m still trying to get this part right. That’s obvious or I wouldn’t be in control summer school. This is a new area of exploration for me.
Letting go of the results is tough. But what I’m finding is when I let up, there is space for new solutions I never would have thought of. Here’s an example of what I mean…
For years I’ve tried to get my son to eat eggs. It’s been full on war at my house over food since before he was born (his sister is incredibly picky as well). But I truly believe that his little body needs fresh eggs more than just about any other food. I’ve tried eggs in every form until I had finally had enough. If he never ate another egg I didn’t care! (That’s not true…miss control freak still cares.)
Then a miraculous thing happened. After a few weeks break I decided to try “egg smoothie” and he decided he liked them! RAW! (Note: We get high quality eggs from the farm and will soon have fresh eggs from our own chickens. If you’re grossed out by this, feel free to scroll past or rage comment below. But you’re not about to change my mind.)
I add a little honey, hit them with my emersion blender, and just like that he is gulping down 3 or 4 eggs on the regular. It couldn’t be more easy. It makes me wonder what other areas I’m stressing over that if I just let up, they would fall into place.
Fully surrendering and giving my son’s future and conditions to God? Now that’s freedom.
2 responses to “I Wish My Son Needed Glasses”
Thank you for sharing daily drama from the heart.
Diane,
You are a wonderful inspiration to everyone who knows and loves you. I couldn’t be more proud to call you DIL.
This blog is a great way to inspire more people, great idea!